Plagued Thoughts

It’s a moment in time where we act on something we shouldn’t. For men & women too, that is lust. We can deny it ten thousand times, but who are we really fooling? That moment where, we act upon something getting caught up in the moment only to realize what we did. Lust is quite the tricky lady.. battle it yourself & you’ll fail. We fail, we seek forgiveness, but why are we stuck in this cycle? Why do we suddenly feel like a hamster in a wheel unable to stop and when we stop we get flung out? Heart blackened.. mind corrupted why do we think such disturbing things and cater to these images and videos knowing it leads down a path of lustful intent. It changes so much of our entire being without us knowing or even realizing it until it’s often too late. In a society that defines lust as love it’s not easy.. it doesn’t make it any easier when others tempt you to do such things. Plague.. darkness.. why is it just when I think you’ve vanished you come back and put me back in my place? Maybe instead of fighting on our own we should reach out to you God.

Somewhere in our being we feel the need to go at it alone, but this isn’t something simply solved by simply ignoring it or acting as if it’s not there. It will bring you to your knees and yet we still even ignore it. We chase it, want it, desire it, our hearts cater to it if we are not focused on Christ & denying self daily. God, why do we think walling you out is the solution? Is it due to the guilt? Knowing we did wrong & yet the mere fact you see all things means if we come to you it means admitting we were wrong? Admitting to you years of perverse & lust or porn takes some serious courage & strength because it is not easy. Don’t let the world convince you that it’s cool or okay.. cause it’s not nor is it “normal” to do these things. This mind is plagued.. thoughts are darkened by the junk we keep watching & clicking. This mind.. can be freed & cleansed but we take the bait every time and eventually become so used to it.. we eventually see no wrong and it longer makes us feel bad. The moment it no longer affects us, should not be a moment of celebration. This mind, the more we search.. the more we chase.. Lust doesn’t make relationships easy.. that lust you feel isn’t love. Because the moment you cater to it, the opposite of what you actually think happens. Satisfaction is but a moment before you’re back & wanting more. She will entice you.. tease you.. she tells you it’s harmless.. it’s okay.. she’s leading you to a path of darkness but this feeling feels so good, how can it be wrong or sinful? Oh God, i’ve fallen so many times it’s like I have this cloud around me constantly making me feel terrible about those times I messed up. I’ve sought you out God, but Satan keeps playing this game of “guilt trip” with me and I keep screaming go away.. trying to handle it on my own.. I try to walk away.. but it’s like he keeps following me.. reminding me… wait? he told me that you may not love me cause of this? Is this true God? Please do not let it be! I’ve made mistakes.. I’ve messed up so many times.. those thoughts plague me and if it be true, sometimes I find it totally justifiable but in you I am forgiven. Satan enjoys this game.. this is my weakness.. and in you I want to fortify this wall.. I want to make it a strength. Because I know in you, I can do all things.. But Lord forgive me for sometimes.. what Satan says is so slick so deceiving and yet so enticing it feels right.. and this is not my justification but my plea to say I know I will still struggle with this probably for the rest of my life. But, this is my stand.. this is my turning point. You are not alone in your struggle.. the struggle may guilt you.. hurt you.. even make you feel EVERYTHING you do not want.. but brothers & sisters.. PRAY.. read Scripture, and apply and even when you stumble.. Seek God. God bless!


Learning & Growing

As I continue to learn about church history, there’s something i’ve noticed as of recently.. Christianity wasn’t this top 5 chart for being popular back then but oddly enough.. some emperors saw it as a threat. Why? Because it was spreading & growing & they had no control over it. What i’ve begun to notice is.. we as people try to control what we can’t. We think by not doing this or that, that it will prevent the inevitable. Here’s something interesting, emperors back then persecuted many Christians but it did not stop it from inspiring more people to embrace the faith.
Let’s bring this to right now current day America, there’s an issue at hand already.. People are flocking to the wrong Christianity. This “Blessings & Riches” is not what the Genuine Gospel is focused on. In America.. we worry more about what’s gonna put money in our wallets so we can buy the next best thing.. we’re more concerned about technology & it’s progression than God or Scripture. But that’s not everyone, the only pastors you see on tv these days.. are the ones who might as well have dollar signs for eyeballs. What does this have to do growth or what I said up above? Christianity now is popular.. but for ALL the wrong reasons.. you see, we promote love (in our own versions which are perverted from Scriptures definition of love), we promote riches & blessings.. but only in the sense of “if you follow Jesus now, you’ll have a great wife.. car.. house.. and you’ll never struggle again”.. it’s the wrong version & why does no one speak against it? Because why would we wanna speak against something that benefits us? Why would wanna toss “our desires” and actually follow Christ? We’ve perverted, twisted, and deviated from what Christianity truly means.. the worst part of it all? The church itself caters to it. How so? Well, if you only preach about the non-offensive things in Scripture.. you’ve missed the point. Running people out of your church cause they don’t see “YOUR” way.. is not Christlike either. Yet we wonder why people have the nerve to call us hypocrites.. judgmental.. rude.. stuck up.. or even worse. I’m not condoning that what they say is okay.. i’m merely saying.. for them.. why should they follow something that we ourselves don’t even abide by? We skip sin.. hell… we put our own spins scripture to cater to ourselves. IT’S NOT ABOUT US! From day one.. it has and always will be about God.. referring back to my first paragraph.. at least the people back then were afraid to go against God nowadays.. we simply do not care cause as long as we are getting what we want.. “God is good”. But oh the moment everything hits the fan.. who is the first we blame? “God why would you do this to me?”, “I thought once I accepted there’d be no more struggles?”

Case & point: we’re promoting & making the wrong version of Christianity popular because this version puts “YOU” first. The REAL version.. puts God first. People back then even in the midst of being persecuted did not wavier in there faith.. and yet here we are.. and we wavier at the pettiest of things because everyone is offended. Reaching the lost does not mean watering down your faith.. anyone who says so is wrong. Reaching the lost.. does not mean you’ve lost it or are no longer Christian. Part of our mission is to reach out to those who don’t know and yet for some odd reason anyone who does so we begin throwing Bibles at them on how we shouldn’t be doing that.. I imagine this is exactly what the Pharisees & Sadducee’s did to Jesus or His other apostles when they saw them talking to the lowest of low. We’ve reached a point in today’s society where, instead of applying all scripture.. we’ve taken bits & pieces that only we are gonna benefit from and ignore the rest. It’s odd because we like  to use this argument of, “well Jesus did this or that” and instead of clarifying.. we just leave it to that but let me clarify this.. Jesus (fully man & God) is perfect.. He faced every temptation and did not give in. Here’s the hard part to swallow.. follow God’s plan, not your own agenda. I imagine the pharisees & sadducee’s thought Jesus & The Apostles were false or spreading lies. Which leads me to this final weight.. even with Jesus right in front of there face.. they didn’t believe.

Honestly, I had no idea so many Christians were persecuted in the 1,2,3, even 4th centuries.. something I continue to see a pattern of.. is even with persecution happening Christianity was still being spread.. People like to claim Christianity took from other religious beliefs.. but actually the shoe is on the other foot, all these other beliefs took from Christianity, just what they did not agree with was left out. Just like in current day America we leave it out if it offends us or goes against what we stand for. In my experiences of seeing others argue about there stands on numerous topics.. one thing comes centerfold.. instead of trying to edify or help understand.. they’re pushing so hard to get the other person to see the same way and if they do not.. it angers them.. they revert to calling you ignorant or worse. Growing up I never understood my mindset.. I always thought differently.. sought to dig deeper.. and I had this understanding but at the same time.. it was wavy because I had my pros & cons about it. The biggest weight that weighs the heaviest in my heart.. is after seeing the mountains.. standing on top of them.. looking at the stars.. and seeing all this creation and yet we deny God with ease. This post is all over the place but, my point here is that somewhere along the line.. we care more about what we’re labeled.. than our mission as believers. Why am I called a Christian artist? WHO CARES!? The argument should’ve never been started but it gained popularity because some super legalistic folks took it upon themselves to say that these men saying this were wavering or walking a fence. Lot of scripture was tossed back & forth.. and eventually we tossed people out that didn’t wanna be labeled this or that as unfaithful. Let me clarify this argument should’ve never been an argument within the body.. but it became one because we’ve gotten comfy & petty and anything outside our coziness we are against and we in no way want to understand it.. so we start digging for scripture to speak against it.. again.. I imagine the pharisees just sitting back.. plotting.. scoffing.. and just thinking up of so many “rules” that have been broken. American Christianity is a religion.. it promotes self.. money.. greed.. pride.. and lust. Real Christianity.. focuses on Christ.. loving your neighbor as yourself.. kindness.. giving to others.. and yet we keep taking from Scripture making our own version of Christianity which is dangerous.

At the end of the day, why do labels matter?
At the end of the day, why are we more concerned about how people see us than how we are seen in God’s eyes?
At the end of the day, why are we shunning those who do not know of Christ from our churches?
At the end of the day, why is our agenda more valuable than the one God has for us?
At the end of the day, the world’s definition of love is not the same as scriptural love but we keep comparing them like there compatible.
At the end of the day, Christianity keeps going.. but which one is the one you follow and abide to? I know it’s confusing.. I know it seems like it’s easier to just away.. but The Real Christianity is amazing!
At the end of the day, you’ll struggle.. have rough days.. sin.. and face trials even in your new faith in God the point is so that you’ll rely on God more.. not run away. I know it’s hard to see the reasoning.. hard to see the why.. but God is there listening.
At the end of the day.. these “Earthly blessings” will rot, fade, diminish, and rust.. and then what will you have?
At the end of the day, God is good even in the worst of times.. Trust Him & have faith! God bless you all!

Proverbial Prison

It’s one thing to cling to the past, it’s a completely different story to let it define every move or word you do and say. Our past is a lesson to be learned not something to chain us down & imprison us. Some of us live in that proverbial prison, some of us wake up every single day haunted by something we did or said and we constantly reply it in our mind thousands of times, creating different scenarios in which we say the exact opposite of what we actually said. Someday you’re gonna find yourself looking around that proverbial prison wondering how you got there.. and what can you do to get out but if you took the time to look, did you ever notice the keys have always been in your hands? We live in a constant state of fear of the future because of our past mistakes because we don’t wanna mess things up. The beauty in all this, is that you’re gonna mess up but the greatest news of all is the lesson learned from it. The issue for some of us.. we never learn that lesson so we get stuck in this cycle of constant regret, shutting out everyone, blocking off the world, reverting to feeling as if no one cares but you couldn’t be more wrong & once again there’s a lesson here to be learned, that this prison or cycle you’re in can be broken and you can be freed from it. But FIRST, you have to realize the keys this prison are in your hands. YOU are the one keeping yourself locked in and YOU are the only one who can open the door to realize you could’ve been free this whole time but regret, fear, self-doubt, worry kept you from it. That proverbial prison can’t hold you, but if you hold to the belief that you’ll never be freed it will hold you, but not because of the prison itself but because of YOU will be the reason you’re there. If nothing can stop us, why does our fear & worry cripple us? If nothing can stop us, why are some of us standing in a prison cell of defeat thinking EVERYTHING is ruined? If my mindset can be freed, can’t yours? If my mindset can be set free from the chains that have anchored me down for years, don’t you think the same can be done for you too? If that’s true, then why do we tell ourselves that our case is different? Is it because the road is gonna be bumpy? Is it because we look ahead & realize to ourselves that our lives can actually be freed & it is in that moment we fear we won’t have anything else to worry about? And if we don’t have anything else to worry about, that scares us because for so long we’ve worried about anything & everything to the point of anxiety & panic attacks. Is it truly the fact that the very fact of freedom from our own mindsets are we put us into fear the most because if we have nothing to worry about & we’ve given it all to God that the mindset we relied on for years is hard to re-train to not worry about anything? If my mindset is trained to think one way, it won’t be easy to train it differently but it’s not impossible, especially with God.  This proverbial prison we’ve created for ourselves has no guards & there is no one else there but us but even we are there voluntarily because we put ourselves there. We weigh ourselves down with stress, worry, fear, anxiety, and that doesn’t go out to those who severely struggle with anxiety and need medicine to help it. Take it from me, medicine doesn’t always help sometimes you may have to find an alternate way to manage your anxiety. Out of everything we want to be freed from it, some are & others spend there lives dealing with it but they learn to manage it instead of letting it dictate there life to where they forever live in a turtle shell. If all we do is live regretting the past, we’re like hamsters in a wheel we’re just running endlessly and though we wanna stop we know that if we do the wheel doesn’t just stop it keeps going and will sling us to and fro like a ship facing tough waves. In our minds, the thought of being free is slim to none but the only reason it’s such a low probability is because we made it slim to none. If your mindset can be freed then why do we spend so much time thinking to ourselves it never can or never will be freed from the past? We enslave ourselves to our past like we owe a debt to it, some of us wear our past so much so that it’s like nothing we do is ever right or we are always doubting the decisions we make and we turn a good decision into a regret because we allow our past to continue to dictate us. If nothing can hold us down, why are we holding ourselves down & yet wondering why we can’t move forward when it is us and no one else? We point fingers at everything, God, Satan, people, job, or events but what if it is not those things that are the centerfold issue but rather it is us pointing a finger at everything else but ourselves because for so long we’ve believed this lie that there is no way we can be at fault and that it has to be something or someone else? The chains that hold us down, keep us there because we’ve found comfort in the midst of the storm. We know that if we move forward it’ll rock the boat & we fear of capsizing  into the sea not because of fear of drowning or being eaten by sharks but fear that it’ll rock us to our very core and create change that may cause us to change things about us and while that frightens us it also shakes us because we’ve gotten used to something for so long we don’t wanna change or budge. We know that this change isn’t bad, but we conclude it to be bad because of the comfort zone with which we’ve created, our proverbial prison, that excludes everything including change. It contains thoughts & ideas of change but nothing ever to be actually acted upon. The mind is a tricky thing, for some we are living day by day finding joy in life & praising God. For others, our mindset is already on 2019 or 2020 and we’re worried about things out of our control but to somehow feel in control of things we anchor down & shut out even shut down maybe even revert to hardly speaking because to some we think no one wants to hear what we have to say, but that’s not true. If God is with us, why do we still fear & worry? Is it part of our flesh? Is it Satan feeding us lies? At our core, Satan wants us to believe the lie about many things and if he can get you to believe that you thought it then that’s the worst thing because then you’ve fallen for it. Is it just a natural reaction to certain events in our lives? We worry about things like death, what’s next, our future, etc etc.. but in all honesty we can have a plan but that doesn’t mean it will always go according to plan, they’ll be bumps along the way maybe even other routes we have to take instead of what we originally planned. We worry about our future but cannot control everything. We worry about a lot of things that we cannot control, death, but yet we try anyway. Some of us are stuck in the past though, and it drags behind us very noticeably even though we try to hide it or put on a smile as if that hides it. We have to remember that this prison we’ve created for our mindsets or selves we are standing in it with the keys in our hands. You can be freed, you can unlock the door & walk out but again the fear of what comes next hits us and suddenly we don’t wanna step out because it seems safer inside this prison cell. Living in a constant state of worry, fear, regret, doubt is in no way safer. The more you ponder on unlocking the door and walking out the less likely you will do it. So, simply do it but keep in mind you’ll face tough times but there’s a lesson to be learned in every tough time. Don’t let your past keep you down!



Maybe you just don’t hear me out from the many times I have reached out or maybe you have heard but it’s same sad song and routine that I keep going back to. You stare at me with enticing thumbnails aimed at pleasure and satisfying my needs but all I see is road that leads to death and an unattainable pleasure because my view is skewed by your slick, sly, and beautiful way with words. Your promise is that “no one’s watching or only I have to know” but that’s just it.. if it’s only me that knows then I am internally suffering from a disease but in order to be cured I have to admit it to you and one might find that a bit embarrassing to do. Your slick words and provocative poses lead many down the road of destroying innocence, lust, and even sex. What they don’t know is.. you could careless as long as you’re destroying them & filling there mind with your perverse terms and phrases. You tell them “it’s okay, everyone does it”. But then when you see your girlfriend, boyfriend, or husband, wife and they fail to satisfy you, do you then go down the road of breaking up and divorce or do you give into there false fantasy that they Invision that’d you one day do? Your road destroys relationships and marriages and screws up the definition of what true love is. What is one to do when in today’s world around every corner or website these images lurk about? One click and that road is no longer smooth sailing.. it’s high tide and the boat seems like at any moment it could capsize. Your purity hangs in the balance, yet we let the world convince us of how to run a working relationship and how to do this or that.. but yet the world only has selfishness at the centerfold of all it does and yet we listen to it soaking it in like a sponge. The voice in your head tells you, “it is just one image, click on it” from somewhere something in you says, “don’t it is a trap.” We shake off the second voice why? Cause it wasn’t convincing enough? It didn’t use lustful words to grab your attention? It didn’t have some provocative image telling you no. Our hearts are deceitful and yet we are told to follow them wherever it takes us. We are following an impulse emotion that eventually runs out of juice and we end up unhappy not only with ourselves but with where we are. Thanks to some of those images, some can’t even be in a relationship due to the fact that they expect whomever they are with to do what goes on in those videos like it is okay or normal and it’s neither. She leads you down a pathway of death and ruin, and as sheep do we follow until we finally recognize that something isn’t right.. we aren’t always happy, satisfied, and we feel This road was so enticing but yet we chose the road that merely is an enticement with no real promise merely lies and emptiness. Her words may be slick.. her beauty may be astonishing but on the inside her plan is to ruin you… destroy your perception of love.. your perception of relationships.. your view on marriage. But that’s all fine and dandy for a 6 or 7 minute video right? Wrong. She has nothing good in mind and yet like a fish to bait we are hooked before we even know it. We can’t see past the beauty.. we can’t see past the enticing words and sexual fantasy in our head because we think not with the one on our shoulders and we want nothing more than to fulfill this addiction of ours. You call it normal, I call it sin. You say it is okay everyone does it, I say do you listen to everything anyone says is okay? Cause not everything is okay. There are consequences for actions and while you may not be thinking of them at the time.. you should think first and then ask yourself this.. “is this sinful?” typically one might ask that question and assume it to be perfectly okay which is a complete misconception because our sexual desire has taken over our thought process and we don’t think rightly. Self control is key, yet something many exercise not and make excuses for later. Why? If we exercised self control in many situations things wouldn’t end up in regret or emptiness.


God is

Current day America has fallen into the lie, they’ve spoon fed it.. pacified it.. even swear by it that God is false and a mere figment or feel good tactic by religious people. Some might even go as far as to say they disagree with any religious belief because it is just man’s attempt to feel good or look down on others. One look at religion and you’ll notice a common theme, rules that bind you to a point where one false step and you can be kicked or removed. You see, all religions have a point right? While some center around positivity and spreading love we use that very same belief to spread hate and division amongst ourselves. So in theory we basically undo it. What do you mean? It means that while we go about spreading love at the very same time we also create divisions among one another because we pick & choose who is suitable in our eyes. Religion is man approving you to be right for a belief. Where is scripture does God say it is okay for ANY believer to pick and choose who to save and who not? Where in scripture does it say that God okay’d man power to approve and disapprove on who comes to know Christ? For years now we have been using religion as a scare tactic and what happens after so many years of doing that? People grow hateful, uninterested, and overall angry. Christianity has been grouped with all the other religious beliefs because of all the different variations of it. Some only believe old testament… some only believe New testament, others believe both but exclude sin and hell so they don’t upset anyone, some exclude Christ, and the list goes on. Shockingly enough there is even a belief held where people read the “missing books of the Bible” let’s make something very clear here, there is nothing missing from scripture nor is it incomplete. These beliefs all have one thing in common, they center around self and not Christ. How? Because we have chosen to believe what we want of scripture and all else is garage to us. Sex before marriage is a sin.. but for years it’s caused an uproar and now people could careless about it. We’ve grown intolerant & have given into our fleshly desires. Not just that, but we follow the “he/she said” rule. For years I’ve heard the, “I suppose you believe santa is real too” and the, “Nice fairytale, but I’ll stick to unicorns over God.” And this is just three I have heard first hand and lastly, “You’re an idiot & brainwashed”. For years religion has been used as a scare tactic to strike fear in people. But it doesn’t work anymore..why? Because people don’t feel the need to fear something they cannot see and that is what scares me most. People are blunt about their sin, they openly cater to it, and if things end up badly they excuse it and move on with life. But is it really that simple? No, because outside it may look seemingly great but it’s not at all. 
Christianity for years gets grouped in with other religious beliefs because people fail to read scripture rightly they also fail to even want to understand it so rather than understand it, they take offense and reject it cause it is easier than believing it. Christianity for years has been labeled something people “force” on you, while there is some who do just that not every believer is ready to pounce on you & condemn you but since the common theme is the first part of that sentence most believe that all believers are the same. I grew up in church, my parents did not force me, I went because I enjoyed going. As a kid, it was what I looked forward to. Once I reached my teens, it became more about gossip and who liked who than focusing on God. Then when I hit my 20’s reality hit me.. hard. I still never lost interest in wanting to go to church. The misconception with current day churches is they try to be too friendly and open, what winds up happening is they go from Gospel minded to people pleasing which is why those types of churches make millions of not billions of dollars and have an insane follower base of people whom if you said there pastor was a false teacher.. you’d be seemed the anti-christ or Satan for saying so. The problem is right under our noses and it’s our own hearts and mindset about how we go about this. Culture is important but if you lose focus on the Gospel and leading people to it and start ranting off about how you dislike “american Christianity” you’ve missed the point. Just like we’ve missed the point in how we should reach out to people with the Gospel. We think being understanding.. open.. is gonna convert people.. all it does is get you walked on.. consumed by the world and spat back out because you went against the belief with which you stood for. The point in all this is not to poke a hornet’s nest but if I have to, I will. We keep saying, “America needs revival” I don’t see you planning one? Have you spoke to your church about it or are we just gonna talk and talk about it? Current day America believes the minimum, “God is real” that’s it. That’s as far as it goes. But simply saying it doesn’t and isn’t what saves you and many are gonna be shocked when they stand before God. Sadly, the common theme among many is to do as many good deeds as possible and there is no way God could deny you entry into heaven. But what do you think is gonna happen when your list stands before perfection? It’s not gonna stand up in fact it won’t even last 2 seconds. The keyword is “our list” of good deeds which promotes self over God. Which in turn we throw God at the forefront when really we made a fleshly decision and to not seem like a selfish person we threw God in there. More than anything we aren’t forever trapped, but the problem being that we are in a rut and we keep digging down instead of out. Back to my original thought.
Many religions offer peace, love, and good vibes but they aren’t gonna satisfy you. Because at some point we feel incomplete and empty so we fill that void with sex, relationships, music, books, anything to escape reality but it’s not something you can escape. We say music is an escape, it’s just a distraction from the internal problem. Many religions have rules, but this is where Christianity gets confused and tossed in because people start spouting off things like, “you have to be clean first” or “you have to be perfect” or “If you don’t follow God will hate you and not pay attention to your prayers” and you couldn’t be anymore wrong. God takes us as we are but as we grow we don’t remain who we once were. Secondly one look at scripture and you’ll notice that there were a few men who wandered off but God did not ignore them nor did He hate them, He welcomed them back with open arms. The last one, is so wrong but it’s the most common, First off, God knows we aren’t perfect and He still loves us. Secondly, you do not have to maintain a holier than thou status because on this Earth it is absolutely not gonna happen nor be attainable. Third, there are many things that should separate Christianity from any religious belief and the you have to be perfect should be one of them. Because God knows we aren’t, after all He created us. Lastly, it is not just that but so many religious beliefs will state they have rules to abide by. The God with which I serve says, that I am forgiven (past, present, and future sins). People get so frustrated at believers that they forget we have read scripture and while some may misinterpret it those of us who do not, have an understanding of scripture. It always intrigues me when someone who doesn’t even believe in God or scripture tries to tell me what scripture means. I don’t even mean that as a joke or insult, honestly it’s disheartening how many are uninformed and mislead by using out of context scripture. God is not just some figment man made up. While many might argue against that, I know one day we’ll be standing before Him to be judged. Many ask this question a lot though, how do you maintain your faith in God? First and foremost I give that credit to God. Secondly, you stand firm in your belief, you don’t budge, and do not compromise. Lastly, stay in prayer in and scripture. 




The constant thought that no one is here creeps into my brain like a cool breeze right before the rain, my mind is somehow shipwrecked here, plagued by thoughts of the past and just how will my future be. I ask questions like a little kid would, but it is silent and I often wonder to myself, did I do this to myself or did I do something that created this snowball effect? There were people here at one point, but not anymore because in my head the walls I’ve built tell me that I am the only one here but if I would simply climb the ladder of the self imprisoned mindset I could see that there is more to this that meets the eye. See, to you I can easily overcome this, but what you don’t know is this war takes place every day and sometimes you just feel stranded.. like a ship out in the middle of nowhere. You call it, a struggle, I call it a plagued mindset of someone who has been through a lot of suffering. The mind is filled with thoughts, doubts, questions, maybe even answers but have you ever tried to calm yourself at 2am due to worrying that maybe the previous breath was your last? You would label this fear of death, and rightly so that it may be. But, when will the worry stop or have I caught myself in a continual run like some sort of hamster in a wheel only to realize the only answer for this is to stop and re-evaluate this? Have I gone too far or have I not gone far enough? You tell me, I can overcome this but my mind processes this as can’t overcome this. Is this a self perpetual hell or is this a small taste of what hell would be like, stuck in a continuous loop of worry, fear, anxiety, and unable to calm down? To some, it is hell. But, it’s a mindset imprisonment we’ve created because we want to control every aspect of our lives. We can prepare for the future but are we really prepared or just guessing? These thoughts weigh heavy & it has been some time since I have been to the gym so it feels like I am trying to lift more than I can handle but in all honesty I can handle much because I struggle well. I’d never wish this on anyone, some times you reach that point of breaking down only to realize it’s actually worth it and there is purpose behind the suffering. I once read this, “not once did I learn a lesson in the good times, but I almost always learned a lesson in the bad times.” We pride ourselves in the good times, and mope around in the worst of times but what we really do is let fear and worry become a placeholder take up room and board in our minds and it slowly creeps into everything as we know it. How? How do we tell it that it is no longer welcome here? Maybe instead of looking for the quick exit we are meant to endure the trial so we can help others? We dwell on the past, we let it haunt us and we wanna change it but we can’t change the past, we can only learn from it. If this is the case why does it take some of us years to realize the lesson we failed to learn? We all went to school, learning from a mistake was not taught to us so we think it has to be but really the lesson has been available to us all along we just preferred the parties, drugs, and alcoholism instead. We boarded up the door to our past only to feel dragged down by the weight it holds and we search for answers in pills, sex, relationships, or the bottom of a bottle only to realize we are adding more pain & hurt to the already weight we carry. All of us have baggage, just many of us think we are good at hiding it and truth be told none of us are good at it. We like to play as if we are but really the mask with which wear is see through and when someone dare ask us that dreadful question of, “how are you?” we smile..shake there hand, and say, “I am good” when really we aren’t. We surrounded ourselves with people who care only to keep silent about our pains? It’s like going to the doctor and not telling him what’s wrong.. in the end you’re only hurting yourself. We bottle up, then spew like a shaken can of soda upon someone over the tiniest of thing, why? When you build a wall around what you’re dealing with and try to fill it with happy things instead of taking on the problem, you’re gonna wind up hurt, sad, maybe even depressed. I built a wall around my struggle and now the only thing it solves is nothing. I tried to avoid it, escape it, listen to music but it remained there because I refused to admit I was struggling. Years ago had you told me, I’d be haunted by my thoughts & emotions that would drive me to panic or even anxiety attacks. I’d have laughed.. maybe even told you, you were crazy. This house is poorly built and the waves may soon wash it away, why is my home so close to the waves? Why not anywhere else? You tell me, why do we all build sandcastles only for it to be washed away by the tide? We do it in life too. Cars, houses, relationships, money, jobs, our kids.. but what happens when the tide rolls in? Kids move out, and you’re soon left with a home filled with constant memories of “what it used to be like” you move, but yet it still will not change that thought in your head of “I remember when you kids..” Life can be hefty, it can be light too. But when it comes to the lessons to be learned from the struggle of trial, have you simply built a wall to avoid it or embraced it and grew from it? 



Moved On

Often times in life things happen and we’re stuck between sticking around or letting go, but isn’t there more to it than that for the one having to make the decision? Memories that were made that we soon have to let go of because if cling to them we’ll be stuck in this endless cycle of our past haunting us but if we move on we’re afraid that someone will get hurt, why is it we wait til we’re suffering to suddenly care about others? You see we pride ourselves in being open and being understanding maybe even in being kind but we’re selective. No one ever said it’d be easy to let go of something you’ve held onto for years or even months. Like a child who has a favorite toy or blanket, we carry it wherever we go and if we lose it, replacing it is not an option because it isn’t the same. So we’re stuck with this tough choice of letting go or remaining at bay, but let me tell you something. Does a boat go anywhere if it forever remains docked? If all you did was remain at bay with your thoughts then eventually one might become paranoid. But, what if I don’t wanna let go? What if I could fix it? What if we just were friends? What if we just took some time apart? These are all excuses to justify clinging to the past when you know deep down the right thing to do is move on. The decision and process won’t be easy but in the end it is well worth it because you learn from your past. Something, this current day and age can’t fathom. Our past does not provoke us, if we looked at it properly our past is a chance to learn and change to not be what used to be. But we can’t move on, so we try to erase it like it is a mistake. When will we see that if it is a mistake then why haven’t we learned from it? If you never learn from it, will it not repeat itself until you do learn from it? You cling to your past because the future scares you.. maybe I am wrong maybe the future doesn’t scare you but your past does. Our fears thrive greatly when we give it power. The more power we allow it, the more likely we are to live life in a vicious circle of remembering our past & reliving it. Fear wants nothing more than to hold you down like a ball & chain so that you feel as if you will never overcome it. Like our inability to move on fear keeps us from doing so by making us think the real solution is no solution at all. Being stuck between moving on or staying put is tough for some because it means letting go of people, places, or maybe things and staying put means that you’ll forever keep remembering memories of those people, places, and things. There is a third option that most of us take and it is the worst choice, that is to ignore it. To ignore it, is to not only make it worse but it’ll fade and then come back stronger and overwhelm you. By ignoring it all, you merely place it on a shelf in your brain and at some point your brain will pick it up off the shelf only for you to say, “I thought I was done with this?”, you aren’t done because instead of choosing to be freed or stay at bay you chose to do neither and wound up getting capsized by the wave wondering what you did wrong. It is like getting a dent in your parents brand new car and trying to act like you did nothing wrong, not only are they gonna find out but the consequences are much tougher because of the choice you made. Because when it comes down to it our hurt and pain is intensified by us because we make it out to be that way. Some might say that’s really mean but if you think about it, we make it worse on ourselves by not moving on from the past. Choosing to move on means growth, choosing to stay put means no growth & living in the past. Which one do you choose?